#van loves taissa but she doesn't know it yet

[taivansupremacy]

You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else

Summary: Taissa doesn't care about having the perfect love story and going on dates. She's afraid something is broken within her. (A Taissa character study pre-crash and pre-taivan)

A/N: so... i pumped this out real quickly lol i chose taylor lyrics again to link it to my Van character study. Read Van's character study here!

Taissa never understood what the big deal about dates and crushes were. As a child, her parents read her stories of happily ever afters and of princes saving princesses, but unlike her classmates, she wasn’t sure she even wanted a prince. The idea of being saved didn’t ever sound appealing to her, even as a child, so when her friends all wanted to play princesses, she volunteered herself as a prince so she wouldn’t have to be the damsel in distress. It felt so good to be the saver instead of the saved, until some of her other classmates caught on and told her exactly why she shouldn’t be playing the prince. 

Even in middle and high school, Taissa was never bothered when she didn’t get asked to dances or to go on dates on the weekends. In fact, she was more bothered when she did get asked. She went on a date with a boy in 8th grade, just because all of her friends were giving her shit for being the last one to have their first kiss. She felt queasy just thinking about it, like her insides were all twisted up, but she went anyway. When he kissed her in the back of the movie theater, she didn’t hesitate to run for the bathroom and lock herself in a stall. 

She wasn’t sure if she felt like sobbing or throwing up and she was absolutely positive that none of her friends felt this way after having their first kiss. She decided to table that thought for later and call her mom to come get her. She made up a story about feeling sick (it was only a half lie, really) and laid in her bed, staring at the ceiling for the whole night. 

After that, she’d decided that romantic love just must not be for her. She’d lie to her friends about thinking some completely unattainable guy in their grade is cute. She turned down guys that asked her on dates and to dances, making up some excuse about being busy that night or having some kind of soccer thing to attend to. It helped her get by without too many questions, but she often wondered if she was broken. 

She’d started noticing girls in her grade in the way that she thought most of her friends noticed boys when she was in 9th grade. She’d decided they were much better to look at, but only allowed herself short glances. She wasn’t quite ready to deal with what it meant yet, so she pushed those thoughts down when they arose and continued to believe that she was broken, though all her friends told her that her time would come, she just couldn’t bring herself to believe it.

When she moved to Wiskayok HIgh, her problems only seemed to worsen. Being the new girl meant attention, attention from teachers trying to catch her up to speed, girls trying to figure out if she’d be a friend or a threat, and boys trying to scope out the “fresh meat” in the dating pool. So Tai decided to own it. She decided to show these people she now called peers that she was smart, driven, and bold. She spoke up to answer every question that was put out there by her teachers and chose the front seat in every class. She got some sideways looks about it all, but she didn’t care or at least she tried not to look like she cared.  

On her first day of soccer practice, Tai was introduced to the team as they all stood in front of her in a cluster. She’d recognized most of them from some of her classes and could tell who was friends with who just by looking at them. She vaguely remembered seeing one particular redhead, in her English class, maybe? She couldn’t help but notice the way her auburn hair shone in the sunlight and how her freckles dotted her cheeks and arms like stars in the sky. She looked away almost as soon as her eyes settled on her. The two became fast friends when the redhead made some kind of quip about one of the girls on their team being uptight and peppy, Jackie, Taissa thinks was her name. 

They continued to get closer and closer as the season and school year went on. They often went straight from school or practice to get food or sat in Taissa’s bedroom to watch movies and listen to music. They’d show up and leave parties together, pair up for group projects, and lend each other annotated books with their thoughts and feelings scribbled on the pages. 

The only problem was what Taissa was beginning to suspect is a crush. Of course, she’d admired girls in her grade before, but they’d never been girls that had meant anything to her. Most times, she barely uttered a word to the girls that caught her eye. She’d admired them for a second in passing before looking away and most times, she’d never see them again. 

With Van, it was different. She’d gotten to study her inside and out. She knew Van’s favorite movies and why they were her favorite, she knew why she gets physically sick when she looks at peas, and how making mixtapes is her love language. She also knew how her hair looked splayed across her purple pillowcase at sleepovers. She knew how her pale red eyelashes brushed her freckles as she slept and how it felt to lay her head on Van’s chest and shoulder, a warm, freckled arm wrapped around her back. She knew Van intimately, almost as well as she knew herself. 

Van made her feel what she only assumed her classmates felt with the boys they spoke of. She felt a warmth in her chest upon feeling Van’s warm hand in her own, she gets butterflies in her stomach when Van smiles that smile that she pretends is reserved for her, and she loses her breath when Van’s shirt rides up and a patch of pale, freckled skin is revealed. She tried not to think about these things when they occurred. She loved the feelings that Van elicited from her, though she wasn’t quite ready to confront them.

She continued to make up some dumb excuses when boys from school asked her out, but she found herself wishing it were Van asking her instead. She thought that would solve her problems, but she knew the real problem was within her. She wished she was as confident and bold when it came to her feelings for Van as people thought she was with everything else. 

Taissa Turner thought she wasn’t interested in love, that it was overrated and ultimately not in the cards for her. She knows now that love just looks a bit different for her than it does for everyone else. She may not be ready to deal with that now, but she knows she will be one day and she hopes that Van Palmer will be the one to show her what she was missing out on. 

[zeezelweazel]

i love love your blog!!! could you write a oneshot of best friend! lottie pining over fem! reader and confessing after she gets jealous when a guy flirts with reader at the party?

Lottie Mathews| I'll be yours, if you'll have me

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Thank you so much!

I've read a few fics like this with lottie so I hope this didn't turn out to be too similar to them

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"Ok Lottie, I love you but there's no way you're wearing this shity dress that you stole from TJ Max to Jeff's party. The whole damn school is going to be there!"

Lottie groans and puts that dress to the side while pouting. For a rich girl your taste is very shity Matthews, you're lucky you're cute.

"You only talk shit because you look good in everything."

You giggle at your best friend's childish behaviour and take her hand to pull her towards the closest. All of the deliberate fashion advice that you give her doesn't register to Lottie's brain, her head is already full of you and how gorgeous you look in this outfit and how your make up is flawless and how soft your voice sounds and how silky your hair looks and-

"Earth to Lottie? Do you like the blue skirt or the grey one with this top?"

"Um the blue for sure."

You only nod at her and continue looking through her accessories. Lottie is already stumbling with her words and you haven't even gotten to the party yet. She can practically hear Taissa's voice in her head. 'She's literally head over heels for you just confess to her already'.

"Easier said than done." She mumbles quietly as she stares at you trying to envision a pair of silver earrings with the outfit you've assembled and her insides feel warm.

When you arrive at the party, only 30 minutes late, majority of the people are drunk off their asses. You and Lottie move through the crowd keeping eachother in sight so you don't get lost. Now, when it comes to parties the Yellowjackets usually are spread around. Van and Tai are most likely having a make out session in a random room at Jeff's house. Speaking of Jeff, him and Jackie are probably together and where Jackie is Shauna has to be nearby. Nat is with her friends and Misty is probably not even here.

You and Lottie share a look and mutually decide that it's better to just hang with eachother for now. You enter Jeff's house and like you expected there are tons of people there, talking, dancing and drinking. Speaking of drinking...

"Hey Lot, will you go grab us some drinks? I'll try to look if any of the girls are around here."

Lottie just nods and makes her way to the kitchen where the drinks are, leaving you alone in the crowded living room. After you took a good look at all the people and didn't recognise any of the girls you decided to head towards the pool. That's usually were all the popular girls are and by extension the jocks and if the jocks are there Jeff, Jackie and Shauna must be as well. Sure enough, you spot the three of them sitting in the side of the pool. You start to head to them but someone calls your name and you stop in your tracks. It's a guy from the baseball team, his name is something like Martin..?

He cuts your path to your friends by getting in front of you and starts complimenting your outfit.

"You look so good in that... urm whatever it is! Even at school you always dress so nice. It seems like you know what fits you perfectly. You know what would fit me?"

You suppress a sigh as you heavily contemplate on saying no and just walking away but since Lottie isn't even here yet, and this guy has no chance at all you decide to humor him.

"What would?"

He chuckles and moves closer to you bringing his hand on your chin.

"You, of course."

You can't really hold your laugh this time as a giggle slips through. Unfortunately for you the boy took that as approval of his horrible flirting and got closer as he wrapped his arm around you. At this point you were ready to push him off you hear someone shout from behind you.

"Hey get your hands off of her Markus!"

The boy instantly turns around to look at a very pissed off Lottie coming towards you. She doesn't even wait for him to say anything before she tugs you on her side and glares at him.

"Get the fuck out of here. Now."

You can't help but be surprised at her aggression as you keep looking between her and Markus. Lottie rarely got so angry. As Markus leaves embarrassed Lottie is still following him with her eyes. You look at her face, trying to study her expression.

"Um, Lot? What was that?"

She looks at you surprised, as if she just now realized how obvious her jealousy was. She can even see Jackie and Shauna looking at her with a questioning look.

"Nothing, he was just being creepy and I helped."

You fold your arms over your chest and look at her with a 'do not bullshit me Matthews' look.

"You went like full beast mode there Lot. I've only seen you get like that, like, twice."

Lottie can't handle your questions or the looks from her teammates and there are just so many fucking people in this stupid pool area. So without another word Lottie just storms off, leaving as fast as she came in.

You follow after her as you keep calling out her name. You are even more confused now. Why did she get so angry at that boy flirting with you? And why did she get so defensive when you asked her about it?

You eventually manage to catch up with her in what looks like a guest room. She's sitting down on the bed and looks up at you with e defeated expression.

"Well damn Matthews now you really have to tell me what the fuck was that."

Lottie takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. There's no way out of this now, she knows that much, but still she's scared of telling you how she feels. She can't bear the thought of loosing you. You're the most important person in her life. The one who understands everything when it comes to her parents and her schizophrenia and all that comes with that. You're a good person so she knows that you won't be disgusted or anything but just seeing that pitying look on your face as you try to gently reject her would break her heart. Well it's not like you have any other choice.

"I um... I was jealous." She can see how you're even more confused now but thankfully you let her continue. "There's a reason why I never like anyone you date. Even when they're good people. It's because I get jealous. And I get jealous because well, I like you."

Your eyes widen for a moment and then soften as you look at her sweetly.

"Oh Lot, I like you too, you know that right?" Lottie is so surprised but excited to hear you say that, she almost can't believe it. "There's no way I would let any stupid boyfriend, or girlfriend, come between us. We're best friends."

Best friends

Of course, how did Lottie ever think that you'd like her like that? She feels frustration bubbling up in her chest. You didn't even understand what she meant. Well if she's going to confess might as well do it properly, so she can get rejected properly as well.

"I want to be your stupid girlfriend!"

She doesn't even mean to shout but her words shake you anyway. Holy shit Lottie fucking Matthews said she wants to be my girlfriend?! You are too busy with your internal panic to notice Lottie being on the verge of tears. All you see is a blur passing by you and heading for the door.

Oh hell no, you're not running away again.

You manage to grab her wrist before she makes her escape and spin her around so she's facing you. You don't waste a single second as you grab her face and bring her down so your lips meet in what definitely seems to be the best kiss of your damn life.

Lottie immediately gets the memo as she puts her hands on your waste. It's impossible to kiss for much longer because both of you can't stop grinning. When you pull back, you take a moment to just look at your girlfriend.

"I think we need to thank Markus for this."

"Oh fuck no."

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[schrodingerspsycho]

I Just Want You To Be Happy - Chapter 1

Pairing - Taissa Turner x Van Palmer x Reader

Warnings - None

Word Count - 4.1k

Summary - With her life in shambles, Taissa seeks solace in the only place she knows, but everything changes when she finds out that Van isn't alone.

Author's Note - 2021 timeline. Also Van doesn't have cancer :)

Help Palestine by clicking this link!🇵🇸

Taissa smoothed out her hair and took a deep breath, summoning the courage to open the door. The bell chimed and she glanced around, and after a moment her eyes landed on the redheaded woman behind the counter. She was just as beautiful as Tai remembered, her scars fainter and her blue eyes brighter than the last time they saw each other. Their eyes met, and a look of recognition and disbelief dawned on the woman’s face.

“Tai?”

“Hey, Van.”

It was as if time had stood still, and she could tell that Van felt it too. And despite all the chaos in her life, Tai felt a sense of calm seeing Van again after all these years.

“Babe, did you want to put out this new shipment now, or wait until- oh.”

The moment shattered when you walked out through the beaded curtain. You, a gorgeous woman with shining eyes and graying hair, wearing a flannel shirt that Tai knew was Van’s. You immediately clocked the tension in the air and put a comforting hand on Van’s shoulder, leaning in to whisper something to her. She turned to you and smiled softly, a look that had once been reserved only for Tai. Her head began to spin, and when Van turned back to her, her voice sounded muffled and far away. She stumbled forward, and just as she tried to reach out for something to hold onto, her vision went black.

When she came to, Tai found herself in a new yet familiar bedroom. Van’s bedroom. Your bedroom. She walked out slowly, as if in a trance, and found you and Van standing in the living room, talking in hushed voices. Then you glanced up and saw her, and your face lit up with a friendly smile. “She’s awake.”

Van turned to her with an unreadable expression, her eyebrows pinched together in that adorable way that Tai both loved and hated. “Tai,” she said, sounding strained. Then she gestured to you. “This is my partner, Y/N. Y/N, this is Taissa.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” you said, giving her a small wave. Taissa could only nod.

“So, are you gonna tell me why you’re here, or are we just gonna pretend this isn’t super weird? I mean, it’s been a long time. A really fucking long time.”

Taissa looked away, unable to make the words leave her throat. Van’s gaze softened slightly.

“It’s happening again, isn’t it? The sleepwalking?”

Tai smiled, big and bright and fake, and made finger guns at Van. “I got you something,” she said, walking over to her purse. She pulled out the pen she’d bought from the trucker and clicked it nervously as she approached. She chuckled as she handed it to Van, who smiled as she reached for it.

“Holy shit,” she breathed as she inspected it. “I can’t believe they still make these.”

“Yeah, you remember when we swapped that fancy guest book pen for one of those at Shauna’s wedding?”

“Yeah. Mrs. Taylor almost had a stroke. I can see her bosoms!” She turned the pen over with a look of bewilderment, holding it out for you to watch as the ink drained away to reveal a naked woman. You and Van laughed at the same time, and Tai couldn’t tell whose voice was whose. “Oh my god,” Van said, locking eyes with you. Tai’s smile faded.

Then Van looked back at her, all levity replaced with concern. “So,” she asked, her voice low. “How bad is it?”

Tai didn’t answer.

“I’m gonna go back down to the store, and give you two some time to talk,” you chimed in, smiling reassuringly at Van. You placed a hand on the small of her back and she reached out to stroke your side, nodding.

“Okay,” she agreed, and you leaned in and kissed her. It was a comfortable, loving kiss, one you had clearly shared countless times. Tai’s stomach twisted into a knot.

“Alright, come on,” Van sighed once you left the room. She sat down on the couch and gestured to the spot next to her, her eyes never leaving Tai. “Sit down and tell me all about it.”

So Taissa did just that. It was difficult at first, but Van was patient and understanding like always, and eventually, she shared all the things that had been haunting her for the past few weeks. It felt good to finally open up, and Van was the only person who could make her do it. They fell right back into the rhythm they’d had as teenagers, and if she tried hard enough, Taissa could pretend that nothing had changed.

“Well, what now?”

“Well, um, first I was hoping I could take a shower.”

“I’m serious.”

“Well, so am I. I just hitchhiked across Pennsylvania. I do not smell great,” Tai laughed. She knew that Van would see through the deflection, but if she didn’t laugh, she knew she would cry.

“Alright,” Van agreed after a moment. “I’ll get you a towel and some clothes.”

“Okay, thank you.”

Van stood up from the couch and stretched, and Tai stayed there with her knees held to her chest for a few seconds longer. Then she got up and followed Van into her bedroom, leaning uncertainly in the doorway.

“So, you and Y/N. How did that happen?” Tai asked, with her best attempt at casual conversation.

“We met on a dating app,” Van said dismissively, not looking up from the dresser.

“I never took you for the online dating type,” Tai commented. “How long have you been together?”

“A little over five years.”

“Wow, five years. That’s a long time.” Tai tried to ignore the aching in her chest. “So, are you living together, or…?”

“Yeah, we are,” Van sighed. “They moved in three years ago, a few months after they started working at the store. And you should be grateful because they’ve got some clothes that are more your style.” She held out a stack of towels and clothes, with a black turtleneck on top that Van wouldn’t be caught dead in.

“A-are you sure? Shouldn’t you ask-?”

“They won’t mind,” Van snapped tiredly. Taissa took the clothes, feeling dejected, and followed Van into the bathroom. “You can use any of the soaps and shampoos we have in there. I’m gonna help Y/N close the store, and then we’ll be back up. We can talk more about what to do then.”

“Thank you, Van,” Taissa said, and Van nodded. She started to walk away, but Tai called out before she could reach the stairs. “Wait! How much does Y/N know about me? About… us?”

Van scoffed. “Enough,” she said darkly. “They know enough.”

And just like that, Taissa was left alone.

When Taissa left the bathroom, she heard Van’s laughter coming from the kitchen. It was loud and joyous, just like she remembered, and she couldn’t help but smile. But then the kitchen came into view, and her smile faltered when she remembered who was making Van laugh. You were standing at the stove with your arm around her waist, and she leaned into you as she reached for a tomato. You said something else to her and she laughed again, bumping you with her hip, and you pulled her in for a kiss. Tai knew she shouldn’t watch, but she couldn’t bring herself to turn away. Maybe she was punishing herself for all the decisions that had led her here, so many of them rash and wrong. Or maybe she was just trying to remind herself of reality. Van was taken now, and so was she. She had a wife. Taissa fiddled with her wedding ring and stared as you and Van grinned at each other, exchanging words Taissa didn’t need to hear to understand.

“Taissa, hey!” you called cheerily when you spotted her. Van’s face fell when she turned to Tai, giving her a brief glare before grabbing a knife and focusing on slicing the tomato. “Figured you’d be hungry, so we’re making dinner a little early. I hope you like veggie burgers!”

“Oh yeah, I love them,” Tai said with a weak smile.

“Great! They should be done in about ten minutes.”

“Do you guys need any help, or-”

“No, we’ve got it.” Van didn’t even look up from the cutting board.

“Just sit down and make yourself at home,” you smiled. If you picked up on Van’s unease, you didn’t show it. Taissa wanted to believe that you couldn’t.

She sat down at the small table and waited, trying not to watch the two of you as you cooked. Everything was so domestic, and if she weren’t seeing it unfold before her very eyes, she wouldn’t have been able to picture Van in such a settled and tranquil space. Of course, this was what Van had wanted all along, she remembered. She just hadn’t been there for it.

“Alright, dinner is served!” you exclaimed as you took the burgers out of the pan. Tai got up and you handed her a plate, nodding to the toppings Van had set up on the counter. Van dished out a generous helping of french fries for her as she dressed her burger.

“Thank you for dinner, both of you,” Taissa said sincerely as she went to sit down. “This food looks amazing.”

“Of course,” Van replied with a tight-lipped smile.

“What can I get you to drink?” you asked her. “We have Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper, beer… babe, what else do we have?”

“I’ll just have some water, please,” Taissa answered before Van could respond. You nodded and filled a glass for her, and she thanked you again. Van grabbed a beer for herself and turned to you, and at the slightest shake of your head, she handed you a Dr. Pepper.

Once her hosts were seated, with you across from her and Van between you, Taissa finally dug into her food. And you were right, she was hungry. She wasn’t sure how many hours it had been since she’d eaten. But even if she had just finished a full-course meal, she wouldn’t be able to deny that this was the best veggie burger she’d ever tasted.

“Oh my god, this is delicious,” she said, speaking around the bite in her mouth.

“Thank you,” you smiled, and Van grinned at you proudly. “The secret is to use Havarti cheese.”

“And don’t forget about your special seasoning recipe,” Van said. “That’s the real key to these things.”

“Well, yes, but I can’t divulge all my secrets,” you replied playfully. “I would lose my air of mystery.”

“Well, whatever it is, it’s amazing,” Tai said genuinely. You and Van both smiled at her.

“So, Taissa, have you ever been to Pennsylvania before?” you asked. Tai shook her head.

“I’ve driven through it a few times, but I’ve never stayed anywhere.”

“In that case, we’ll have to give you a tour around town one of these days. Show you all the best spots.”

“I’d like that.”

“Oh yeah, Y/N’s a great tour guide,” Van said. “They know this town like the back of their hand.”

“Yep, born and raised,” you said proudly. “Van had lived here for years before we met, and she still didn’t know half of the best places.”

“It helped you keep date nights interesting,” Van shrugged, a mischievous smirk on her face.

“That’s ‘cause you weren’t that hard to impress,” you fired back. She laughed, and you gazed at her adoringly. Tai took another bite of her burger.

After that, the conversation became stunted and awkward, with you putting in more work than Tai and Van combined. Despite the tension, you were a perfect host, and Tai had to admire that. Once everyone had finished eating you stood up and gathered the dishes. Van tried to help you, but you snatched the plate from her hand and planted a quick kiss on her forehead. She shot you an annoyed glance but opted to take another sip of her beer instead of protesting.

“Let me help you with the dishes,” Taissa said as you turned on the sink.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that. You’re our guest.”

“I showed up unannounced and you took me in. I insist.”

“Well, alright then,” you smiled, handing her the sponge.

Van sighed. “God dammit. I think I left my phone down in the office. I’m gonna go get it.”

“Okay,” you nodded, giving her a reassuring glance. The two of you shared a look, but Van had disappeared down the stairs before Taissa could decipher what it meant.

“Is she okay?” Tai asked.

“Just a little overwhelmed, I think.”

“I hope my being here isn’t upsetting either of you. I really don’t want to impose.”

“Oh no, don’t worry about it. We’re happy to help.”

“Are you sure? I can get a hotel room-”

“Nonsense.” The look on your face made Tai wish the floor would open up and swallow her. “I know the history you have with Van. Some of it, at least. And we are going to do everything we can to help you. You can stay as long as you need.”

You fell into silence after that, slowly falling into a rhythm as Tai handed you the freshly washed dishes for you to dry. She hated to admit it, but your presence was oddly comforting. She knew it had to be the sleep deprivation, but the calm was welcome nonetheless.

“Turns out I remembered to get my phone at just the right time,” Van said, coming up the stairs just as you were putting the final dish back in the cabinet. “Guess who got ahold of her mom’s phone.”

“Oh no, did April call you?” you chuckled, smiling at her. Van nodded.

“What did she want?”

“Oh, the usual. She told me about her hamster’s day and asked when she could come and stay with us again. And last week at a sleepover she discovered Mary Poppins and she asked if I had seen it.” Van grinned at you as you laughed, walking over to stand at her side. Tai couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen Van this happy.

“What’d you tell her?”

“That I love that movie. Then she asked if we had it at the store and if we could watch it the next time she visits. I think she really wants to spend another weekend with us.”

“Oh, you think?” you joked, putting your arms around her shoulders. “What we need to do is give that kid a VCR. I’ve never seen someone so fascinated by VHS tapes, and I live with you.”

“Yeah, maybe when she’s old enough for me to know she won’t break it.”

“Oh, c’mon. She wouldn’t break it if Aunt Vanny told her not to. You know you’re her favorite.”

“Yeah, right,” Van chuckled as she pulled you in for a kiss. Then she sighed, and you furrowed your brow in concern at the same time Taissa did.

“What’s wrong?” you asked her softly.

“Nothing. It’s just, y’know… when your sister took her phone back-”

“Oh no, what did she say?”

“That I look really tired and stressed out, and I should try one of her meditation techniques. I love that woman, but the word ‘tact’ is not in her vocabulary.”

“Yeah, you’re telling me,” you scoffed, hugging Van tightly.

After a few moments, Taissa cleared her throat, and you pulled back and gave Van a cheeky grin.

“Tai,” Van sighed, as if she’d forgotten she was there. Or as if she wished she wasn’t.

“Who called?” Tai asked, acting as though she hadn’t heard your whole conversation.

“April, my niece,” you answered. “Apparently she got ahold of my sister’s phone.”

“She’s around Sammy’s age,” Van said, and a shiver ran down Tai’s back at the mention of her son. “And speaking of, we need to figure out what we’re doing here so you can get back to him. I mean, did you have any semblance of a plan when you showed up here?”

“No, I… I hadn’t really… thought that far ahead,” Taissa said weakly. “I-I have no idea what to do.”

Van sighed, and you rubbed her arm comfortingly. “Okay, well, then let’s brainstorm. ‘Cause I don’t think what we did last time is gonna work again.”

“I’m not asking you to do what we did last time.”

“Then what do you expect me to do, Tai?” Van cried exasperatedly, stepping toward her. “Look, I get that you need help. But I have a life, and I can’t just put everything on hold because you decided to come up here and drop your fucking anvil on me out of the blue!”

“Van,” you said, your voice steady. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

“I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I just-”

“No, you’re right,” Taissa interrupted. “I shouldn’t have come here.”

“Oh, fuck you, dude. Don’t make me convince you to let me help you. You know I’m not letting you leave here like this, so at least you could have the decency to actually ask for my help.”

Tai turned to face Van, the meltdown brewing inside her evident in her eyes. “I killed my fucking dog, Van. My wife is in the hospital. I’m losing my fucking mind, and I’m terrified! Like all the way. Like I haven’t been since… I can’t ask you for your help, ‘cause I don’t want to hurt any more of the people I love! God, what have I done?” she sobbed, putting her head in her hands.

“Hey. Look, we’ll figure it out,” Van said softly, stepping closer and rubbing her back. “Come on. We’ll figure this out.” She opened her arms and Tai buried her head in her shoulder, clutching desperately at her sleeve. Van held her and stroked her hair as she cried. Then she looked up and met your gaze, a sad look in her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Tai sniffed when she finally stopped crying. “I-I shouldn’t have… I shouldn’t… I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Van breathed, still rubbing her back.

“Why don’t we all just take a breather?” you said calmly. “We can worry about coming up with a plan tomorrow, once we’re all rested and in a better headspace. We can watch a movie, I’ll make tea and popcorn. How does that sound?”

Van turned to Tai, who nodded feebly. She couldn’t muster a verbal response. She could barely look you in the eye. She hadn’t felt this drained in years.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

“Okay,” you smiled, and Van gave you a grateful look.

“Come on, you can choose the movie,” she said, leading Tai to the stack of tapes by the TV as you made your way to the kitchen. “You can look at the ones down in the store too, if you want.”

Tai welcomed the distraction and quickly found her favorite movie in Van’s collection. Well, what her favorite movie used to be.

Van woke up hours later to the sound of static coming from the TV. She turned it off and looked to see both you and Taissa asleep on either side of her. She pushed your head off of her shoulder gently and stumbled up from the couch, making her way into the kitchen for a glass of water. Then she felt a hand grab her shoulder and she spun around, and suddenly Taissa was kissing her. Through her sleepy daze, she recognized that this was wrong, but she couldn’t find it in herself to stop it.

“Whoa, Tai,” she gasped when she finally pushed away. Then she saw the dark look in Taissa’s eyes. “Oh, you’re the other one, aren’t you?” she murmured. Taissa nodded slowly, bobbing her head in a mesmerizing circular motion. “What do you want?”

“This isn’t where we’re supposed to be,” she rasped, beginning to walk away. Van stood there, baffled, trying to make sense of what just happened. Then she realized that Taissa was approaching you, and alarm bells began going off in her head.

“Hey, hey. No no no. No! Taissa!” Van leapt into action, dashing to the couch as fast as she could. But Taissa got to you first and slammed her hands onto your shoulders, startling you awake. She was gripping you hard, and Van saw your eyes fill with fear as she leaned in.

“You,” she growled. You whimpered.

“Don’t fucking touch them!” Van shouted, shoving Tai away and planting herself in front of you. She glared at Tai as she woke back up, her eyes darting between you in horror.

“Oh god, what did she do? What did I do?”

“Just don’t, Taissa.”

“Van, I’m so sorry. I-”

“Fucking. Don’t.”

You grasped Van’s hand from behind her and relief washed over her. But she couldn’t let her guard down just yet.

“We’re going to bed,” Van said, her voice gravelly. “We’ll discuss this in the morning. Get some sleep, Taissa.”

She turned and helped you to your feet, ignoring Taissa’s muffled sounds of protest. Once you were in your bedroom she locked the door and turned to you, worried tears in her eyes. “Are you okay?” she asked, placing a hand on your chest.

“I’m fine,” you reassured her, covering her hand with your own. “Are you okay?”

“Did she hurt you?” Van said, her voice pleading.

You shook your head. “No. No, she didn’t hurt me.”

“Oh, thank god,” Van gasped, pulling you into a tight hug. She always knew that her past would come back to haunt her, but she had hoped that she would be able to protect you. But now her worst fears were starting to come true, and she felt just as helpless as she had back then. “I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

“Hey, come on. You have nothing to apologize for. You know that.”

“No, I do,” she insisted. “I’m the reason she’s here. I knew how dangerous she could get, and I just let her-”

“Van-”

“-I shouldn’t have made you deal with her, this is my mess-”

“Van!” you exclaimed, finally getting her attention. “It’s okay,” you said softly as you tucked her hair behind her ear, your fingers brushing gently against her scars. “I’m okay. We’re okay.”

“I can’t bear the thought of you getting hurt by this,” Van croaked.

“Give me a little credit. I can handle myself just fine,” you chuckled. “You don’t need to worry about me. You told me everything I needed to know about Taissa’s sleepwalking, and I told you I was okay with her staying here. I’m not going to shun her for something she can’t control. And she’s your friend. We have to help her.”

“You know she was more than just my friend,” Van said with a pained expression.

“I do. I know that.” You wrapped your arms around her shoulders. “And that’s why she came to you for help. She wouldn’t have if she had anywhere else to go.”

“She tried to kiss me,” Van blurted. “Before she… woke you up.”

“Oh,” you said quietly. “Okay.”

“Okay? What do you mean, okay? It’s not okay!”

“You’re right, it’s not. But she didn’t know what she was doing. And I’m not angry or jealous if that’s what you’re worried about,” you smiled. “Look, we’re gonna get through this together. Just like we always do. I take care of you and you take care of me, right?”

“Okay,” Van sighed. “But if she so much as touches you again, she’s staying at a hotel.”

“Whatever you say, baby” you grinned, kissing her cheek and pulling her into another hug. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she murmured into your chest. “So much.”

“Let’s get some sleep, hmm?” you breathed, slowly rocking her from side to side. Van nodded.

Once you were both ready you crawled into bed, and Van wrapped her arms around you tightly. “You’re too good, you know that?” she mumbled as you nuzzled into her neck. “You’re too good for all my bullshit.”

“Maybe. But your bullshit gives me something to do,” you smirked. Van laughed.

“Well, you’ve sure got a busy schedule now.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way. And you know how much I hate being bored.”

Van rolled her eyes and kissed you, passionate and gentle. She could feel your heart beating, and the sound grounded her like it always did. Taissa coming back into her life had thrown her mind into utter turmoil, but she knew that with you by her side, she could handle anything. You really were too good for her, but she’d be damned if she was ever letting you go.

[they-them-van]

i'm thinking about how hozier said "Honey, I wanna race you to the table / If you hesitate, the getting is gone" and how the yellowjackets are racing against time, racing against the wilderness, racing against themselves to find sustenance; one hesitation (misty pulling nat back, nobody bringing jackie in from outside, travis not being able to follow nat) can cost a life.

about "Throw enough rope until the legs have swung" and "Skinning the children for a war drum", how eventually hunted girls will be strung up to drain and how javi's clothes, the second skin of the only child among them, were removed so that the rest of the team could have a better chance of survival.

about "We can celebrate the good that we've done / I won't lie, if there's something still to take / There is ground to break, whatever's still to come" and the celebration of fresh meat, the bacchanal, the way the relief of something to eat drowns out any grief that might be felt; but also, food only makes them hungrier, lets the cracks in their stomachs grow bigger, until they dig pits used to hunt each other and take from their teammates until there's quite literally nothing left.

thinking about "Turning back to shore again / Above the outer atmosphere of a world he's never seen / And looking down to his new home, he feels the rising of a wave / And knows at once he will not weather it", how Lottie, who has led them through so much, doesn't recognize the teammates she crashed with, doesn't know what she's unwillingly created, and seems to sense that whatever the others are swept up in will drown her too --- even 25 years later, all of them are barely keeping their heads above the tide.

about "I looked down into the depths when I met you / I couldn't measure it" and laura lee recognizing something in lottie, taking her in, quite literally looking down at her as she welcomed lottie into her beliefs yet never able to participate in lottie's created belief system in the same way.

about "Measure the silence of a house / The unheard footsteps at the doorway / The unemployment of the mouth / The waking up, having forgotten / And remembering again the full extent of what forever is", how painful every morning waking up to a silent, freezing cabin would be, a team of teenagers reduced to silence by their stomachs in order to conserve energy, the lost members --- a team divided into those who are gone, and those who wake up every morning and wonder when they'll be gone.

about "With each grave / I think of loss and I can only think of you" and how shauna has to confront the reality of the part she played in jackie's fate every single time the yellowjackets hunt, every time another one of them dies for their survival, every time they dig another pit but end up with nothing to bury in graves.

thinking about "Do you think I'd give up / That this might've shook the love from me / Or that I was on the brink? / How could you think, darling, I'd scare so easily?", "My life was a storm, since I was born / How could I fear any hurricane?" and van, who took care of her mother and tried to make sense of her life as a teen, taking care of taissa --- following her when she's sleepwalking, keeping her safe even when it brings her close to the cliff herself, trying to understand it so that taissa can have peace of mind --- van, who's in her thirties and still taking care of her mother and taissa and everyone around her and trying to make sense of her life while knowing that she doesn't have much left.

about "I'll tell them put me back in it", van looking into the eye of the storm and gritting her teeth. the woman who's supposed to be dead, burnt to a crisp, taking the crumbling foundation she's been given and trying her best to build it into something she can be proud of.

in conclusion i better fucking hear some hozier in the next season of yj

[novelconcepts]

💚 For Taivan please! Bonus points if it’s eerie and dark-fairy-tale-ish. Thanks!

💚 true love's kiss / magic kiss / healed

There's no way to set alarms out in the woods, so Taissa makes a deal with the thing inside her head. At night, the Other can roam. Do what she will. Find her trees and make her maps. In return, come dawn, she must wake Taissa. It is of the utmost importance.

She has to be awake before Van.

She's waiting now, sitting with her back to the wall. Van is curled in on herself in their shared bedroll, arms up as if to protect her face. Taissa's relieved when she sleeps like this. It's harder to see the worst of it, when Van conceals herself this way.

Harder to see what she knows is waiting for her.

The others have no idea, and it's critical they are kept in the dark. Taissa can't let herself think what they'd do, if they knew. If they had any idea what Van is. What Van would be, if Taissa weren't here, ready to stall her.

She looks toward the window. The sky is pink, birds beginning to sing. In the nest of blankets, Van twitches. A low rumble begins in her chest, the warning signal of a predator waking to find itself in imminent danger. Taissa grits her teeth.

Outside, the birds trill. The sun is almost high enough now. She can see it not in the sky, but in the flicker-tremble of Van's muscles. The way her head is starting to revolve against her pillow, her growls growing louder. Her skin, out of sight, is moon-pale; her wolf-wrought injuries, invisible behind the protective shield of her arms, glow.

Almost. Almost time. Taissa pushes off the wall, every muscle taut. She hasn't failed yet. This morning won't be the first.

Now. Van jolts upright, a snarl on her lips. Her eyes are blank, cold, gray fog obstructing her irises. Her jaw springs open, the teeth inside long and deadly-sharp. She's fast. So fucking fast.

Taissa is faster.

She catches Van around the waist, pushing her back into the blankets with a muted thud. Van thrashes, a keening sound peeling from her lips. In it, Taissa hears the tearing of flesh, the pulping of wolf skull, the punch of needle and thread. In it, Taissa hears Van's death, her death, her death and the hard-won rebirth she just barely manages to hang onto each day.

She pulls Van's face to her own, pressing her lips to the flayed places along her forehead and cheek. Van goes limp beneath her, panting, allowing Taissa to lay the last brick for the day. The most important one.

She kisses Van's lips--cold, as they are every morning, her body uncertain of its place in time and space. Van, every morning, is dead, though her body does not understand. Every morning, she is dead, and there is something else writhing beneath her skin. Something else, driven with the waking of the sun to leap up and pilot her bones.

Something else, which Taissa does not understand, but which she fears with everything she is. Which only she can hold at bay, through love or magic or simple stupid determination.

It's there, waiting, and--in a perverse fairytale reflection--it's only this kiss coaxing it back into slumber until sunrise comes around again.

"Tai?" Van murmurs, groggy. It's her voice now, no hint of a growl. Taissa sags with relief, feeling strung-out.

"Morning. Sleep okay?"

"Had that dream again. It's so weird," yawns Van, nuzzling into Taissa with no hesitation. Already, she's growing warmer. Her skin is developing its usual rosy shade. Her wounds are just scabbed-over slashes across her face, no longer glaring fire-bright.

Taissa exhales with relief. Another day won. Another day of Van looking, acting, feeling perfectly normal. Another day, unexplainable and vital to everyone's sanity.

She doesn't like to think what would happen, if the thing inside Van got away. If it made it down the stairs. If it found the others.

It doesn't bear thinking about. Not today. Van's herself again.

"It was just a dream," Taissa tells her. "I'm sure it'll go away on its own."

[yellowjacketslesbian]

(Inspired by the last wedding ask) What do you imagine a Wilderness Wedding for Tai and Van looking like?

oh, I've actually thought about this A LOT!

I really think they'll get married the second summer around late S3. I think things will be a little bit better by then, they may not have a shelter, but at least they have food to forage and animals to hunt again. I think they'll have kind of resigned themselves to their fate, like rescue isn't coming anytime soon but maybe they can at least survive the next few months and they have each other, and they have the freedom to love each other openly out there that they don't believe they would have ever had back home.

I think the wilderness proposal started off playfully, and was almost accidental, the same way they fell in love.

they're out in the lake together late one summer night drawing on each other's backs, joking until they're not, when Van says it, mostly joking, almost her old self again, "you know, if we weren't like doomed or whatever, I probably would've asked you to marry me someday."

then of course, because Tai is Tai, she doesn't let it go, and is like, "only probably, huh?"

then van instantly takes the bait, "well, you would've had to get it legalized first once you were lawyer, lady."

and then after some more banter back and forth Taissa basically dares Van to ask her, "well, there aren't any laws stopping you out here, are there?"

of course Van beams, "you make a compelling case, Turner."

"and?"

"proposals are supposed to be a surprise..."

cut to a few days later and Taissa is already impatient that Van hasn't proposed yet so she takes matters into her own hands (because she's Tai) and makes them rings out on scrap metal from the plane and stones she forages. that night, after dinner, she pulls Van away from the group under the guise of stargazing and proposes and ofc Van says yes.

when they tell the others, Lottie believes it will be a good way to bring everyone together and immediately gets almost everyone on board with planning a wedding. (Nat is a bit reluctant at first because she thinks they should be using their time and energy for survival, but she ultimately caves since Van is her childhood best friend).

everyone pitches in to help decorate and they make berry wine for the occasion, just like with doomcoming. they set up a makeshift altar around the tree stump, with garland made from interwoven flowers overhead. taivan both wear their doomcoming outfits with Taissa wearing a flower crown as a veil to match Van's boutonniere.

their friends all sing the wedding march while Van beams at Taissa as she walks down the flower petal covered forest floor aisle, and maybe, this is why she was willing to kill to survive this with Tai, to have a future that even bleakly resembles this together.

of course, Lottie officiates the wedding and Taissa doesn't roll her eyes once when Lottie leads them all in a prayer to the wilderness for Van and Taissa's marriage.

they exchange heartfelt vows to stay together as long as they both live, truly believing the only thing that can separate them is their likely inevitable death - it's better that they don't know that they'll survive to break all their vows. (well, all except one - because they truly do still love each other, even during their decades apart).

sorry, I got a bit sidetracked with their wilderness proposal, first. also, apologies for any typos, I didn't proofread this at all. lol

[esp-resso]

taivan rambles and badly summarised poetry

soo...

i got bored and decided i was going to go on a deepdive of the meanings of the yellowjackets names and in my findings i discovered that the name van(essa) was only created in 1726?? i didn't know that, and what's also interesting is that it was from a poem by johnathon swift called Cadenus and Vanessa . also didn't know it was from a poem so that was cool. when i was reading about the author and inspiration of the poem, i was thinking like wait does this lowkey relate to yellowjackets then?? maybe it does maybe it doesnt but i saw something

the poem is about cadenus (johnathon swift) and vanessa (a woman called esther) and it was a real life event. esther was madly in love with johnathon and the poem (which i have not read, 5500 words yikes) is pretty much a letter explaining how he couldn't continue to love her after their brief connection.

i was reading through some articles about the poem and found this quote (i will link any articles below); "Throughout the poem there are accusations from both genders. Swift intends to show the reader that if women were placed on equal footing with men, the ability to love more authentically would emerge." i find this really interesting especially talking about sapphic (or achillean, but i cant speak on that front) couples is that lots of people in these relationships would describe it as feeling more connected from relating to eachother in a closer manner in a way. i think that the way two women wouldn't have to be placed 'equally footed' with one another as they already are. there doesn't have to be any competition or fight between the two sexes as they are already one. this has got a bit off topic and i might of completely misinterpreted the quote but that's a thought for you.

back to the story, the irl story of the two ends with johnathon leaving esther as he's in love with another woman. esther never recovers from this heartbreak and dies a few years later of tuberculosis and that's kinda the end of that.

now, you ask me, how the fuck does this all relate to yellowjackets? well.. taivan... woooooohooooooooo!!!

you might not see the parallels that i do currently, but imagine that johnathon is taissa and esther is van. tai and van are together, tai is in love with another woman (simone) (tai might leave van for her, who knows?), van is heartbroken over this, and then she may perchance die of cancer (tuberculosis) in season 3. wow! connections! obviously s3 isn't out yet so i don't know the fate of tai and vans relationship is before simone but imagine this is how it happens so i don't seem insane.

in the poem esther is also compared to a nymph, and johnathon being just a human. this might parallel to van's resurrection and seeming 'more than human' from that, and the fact she lived and died in the wilderness that her being a nymph (a nature spirit) kinda ties everything in too. just another thought.

im pretty tired so this probably could be written better but its a lot of yapping for a bit of yellowjackets so i feel bad for anyone who reads this and hears me talk about random shit so its over with at last. yay!!

thank you for coming to my tedtalk

link below (idk why the address is to tumblr, it's to coursehero fyi):

[jollyreginaldrancher]

Yellowjackets S2 e2

The ghost is missing an ear too now

Lottie is slowly stealing Taissas's command.

There is no hetero explanation for the Jackie and Shauna scenes.

I think I saw adult Van in the credits

I know Taissa isn't gonna die but that was still stressful as fuck.

Van is such a great, sweet girlfriend. They're so cute together. I really love this pairing.

Taissa is just Spencer Hastings, huh?

I guess that would make Van Paige?

I think I'm seeing a pattern form. It's gonna be Nat, Shauna, Taissa and maybe Misty against Lottie's rule.

Again I know they'll survive but splitting up in the woods feels like a bad idea.

I hope Taissa didn't get frostbite from her midnight walk.

Lottie's name is Charlotte?! The twists keep turning.

Is the cannibalism going to stem from a failed cremation?

Callie is actually covering for her mom?! That's the biggest twist of all.

I knew splitting up would be a bad idea. What is she gonna do if they actually find him and he's wearing pants? Also why pants?

I'm not sure i trust Lottie about that night she visited Trevor but i don't really care about it.

Adult trivia doesn't look much like his teen self tbh

Lottie seeing Laura Lee just proves my theory that none of them are straight.

Tell me Tai didn't fall asleep and eat her damn kid ☠️

Why are they looking at Misty setting up the pyre like she's going near their food again? It's not like they were planning to eat Jackie (yet). What is she gonna do? Throw weed in the pyre and get them all high while no one's looking?

Shauna I love you and I know you love your girlfriend but you literally ate her ear, you're the last person who should be talking about corpses' rights.

Lottie no offence but after what happened to Jackie, I don't think that necklace is really gonna protect anybody.

I wonder if Lottie has put two and two together yet.

Also Taissa is a fucking pyromaniac. What is her obsession with setting every potential corpse on fire? 😤 Didn't she learn from nearly setting her girlfriend on fire?

Are they really just gonna let her burn? Not even grab a snack for the road? I really thought they would cannibalize her.

Lmao the guy with the rape-stache was really a cop

Trailer's brother dying is what put him in the mood? Yikes.

And we really have to sit through this whole-ass sex scene 😤

No way did their sexing put the pyre out ☠️

Taissa is really losing her grip on reality

Oh this is bad

Oh this is really bad

You kind of get the vibe that they were all thinking it, and just didn't want to say it. Like they were all waiting for Shauna's permission.

Wow

[survivedsarchived]

travis exhales, breaths crystallizing into little puffs of white smoke. the burn in his lungs is deep and raw — but comforting, in a way. the gun rests uselessly against his leg. the prior day, travis had heard birdsong echoing through the trees, yet he and nat had been unable to discern its source; there had been no tracks, no trees disturbed. but he hears the ghost of it clearly, still, and even when he's really doing little more than sitting outside — lingering, as he does on occasion, post-circle — he wants to keep the rifle close, in case something flutters through the sky in a fury of feathers and talons.

but there's only stillness now. it's not uncomfortable; there's clarity in the silence. trees creak and groan beneath the weeks of snow. he hears the wind, whispering against his cheek. the cabin's ancient door sighs as someone steps inside — akilah, he thinks. they all have such unique walks. surely it's not only an observation he's made.

eyes open, finally, and he glances to taissa, head canting slightly. her presence doesn't confuse him (he sees how she keeps close to van, looks to her so often, and he knows it must be because she loves her that she's here. months ago, he'd feel jealous, wonder why nat can't do the same... but he understands now. and besides, it makes him feel warm, to see them together.) but — taissa loitering furrows his brow in confusion.

“you're not hurrying to go warm up?” hands fold together as he speaks, socks-turned-gloves doing only the bare minimum to repel the cold; travis brings his fingers to his mouth, though his breath is just as useless. still, he doesn't move yet, despite the hesitance clear in his eyes; all these months, and he and tai have barely spoken, let alone with no one else around. “or... do you like the cold—?” @ladyintree.

[ladyintree]

@lingeringscars asked: if they’re scared, who do they want comfort from? does this answer change depending on the type of fear?

shauna. shauna is always the immediate answer, teen or adult (and you know this, and you're baiting me by sending this question, i see you). that's just her person. not even just in the sense of being her best friend (because i don't think she necessarily uses that word), but in the sense of... her being the only one to see her, in the darkest and most intimate form there is.

though i'd maybe say that 'want' is not exactly true -- as a teen, she wants comfort from van. as an adult, she wants comfort from simone. but the reality is, she can't necessarily get there with either of them. and it's not for lack of love or lack of trust, it's something about her, and how she perceives herself / wants to be perceived by others, that she can't get there with them. but she can with shauna. it happened accidentally, and she found comfort in it, and she never forgot it.

i'm putting the rest under a read more because i have a lot to say:

with van, they don't necessarily talk about the big things or about the deep feelings ( other than how they feel for each other. ) if van tries, tai often brushes her off, and because they don't see eye to eye on certain things - mainly, 'what's really happening out there,' she doesn't feel like she can. if something weird is going on with her, like her sleep walking / her stealing van's necklace in her sleep / her actively participating in things she is saying she doesn't believe in / etc., then telling van, of all people, is like admitting defeat -- because she is openly telling van that those things aren't real, don't etc, etc., and that there's nothing wrong with her. if she talks to van about it, she has to accept that something is not okay.

but she wants to go to van, because van is comfortable to her, van is the person she loves, van is her girlfriend. but they don't know how to deal with conflict, they don't know how to get on the same page on the bigger things (at least yet), and tai will do whatever she can to avoid some kind of confrontation with her ( most notably in ep 1x10, when they fight, and tai never actually agrees with her or gets on the same page with her.. she just immediately goes to the 'we're okay' and avoids it). using this quote for reference:

“i think this is going to be an ongoing problem for them: they don’t talk. they certainly don’t argue. i don’t think taissa knows about van’s mother; i don’t think van knows about taissa’s sleepwalking. these are two characters who adore each other but probably for a long time have had a relationship that’s practical: 'we’re high schoolers in 1996, let’s be sensible about this, and also, let’s have fun. we have a lot in common, we’re both no-nonsense, we’re both really smart, we both think we’re really hot.' but i don’t know that there’s a long-term foundation in place for them yet. what are these two like when there’s conflict?"

it's also hard for her to go to van about her sleepwalking because she's already put her in danger because of it. falling asleep, stealing her necklace (that she already claimed was bullshit and belittled van for yet is now actively using for comfort), and climbing to a tree while she was on watch and not being able to wake them all when the wolves attacked nearly killed van. so in tai's mind, it's like: 'how do i tell her about my sleep walking, when she nearly died because of it? isn't it easier just to not talk about it at all?' because.. avoidance is more comfortable for tai! so she's scared as hell to go to sleep, while also wishing she could sleep next to van and be honest with her about it, but she just can't. i think there's potential for that to change this season, but as of right now, she's not seeking comfort from van for reasons that have nothing to do with how she feels about her, but more so - how she wants van to perceive her.

to answer the second part of that question -- it does change depending on the type of fear. if it's as simple as "i'm scared of losing this game," then it's the opposite, in terms of not wanting to admit something like that to her teammates in a way that makes her look weak, but she can turn to van because she can be honest with her. but it's when things start to get weird in the wilderness that she's becoming less and less vulnerable with van because of the fears that start forming.

as adults, with simone, she wants to lean on her. she's her wife, she's her person, she's the person she's supposed to lean on, and she does trust her. i think she's been as honest with simone as she can be about her time in the wilderness -- leaving out only the things she refuses to address herself about the 'weird' things that happened, and the sleepwalking. when she tells simone about the sleepwalking in present day, she mentions it casually but in a way that's clearly new information to simone:

 "after the crash, when we were stuck out there, i started sleepwalking. a symptom of the trauma, i guess. once we were rescued, it just... just stopped."

she never told simone about the sleepwalking, or anyone else she met post-rescue for that matter, because she thought it was irrelevant. it stopped after she was rescued, so taissa claimed to herself it wasn't a problem and wasn't worth telling anyone about. and she doesn't like dwelling on the trauma from the wilderness anyway, because she likes to pretend that she was just immediately fine after being rescued even though that's so far from true.

when it comes to things like fearing for losing the election, etc., she can go to simone. but the bigger things - like what's going on with sammy, she does the same thing she did with van, which was brush it off and ultimately belittle her for buying into it, and it's all because of her own fear that she's unwilling to address even with herself.

she did eventually go to her when she was scared, but it was kind of at the last possible moment. it was because she already talked to shauna that she felt like she could talk to simone. it was because she got to the place of knowing she was putting her and her son in danger that she finally went to simone. it wasn't because she actually really wanted to address these things out loud, it was because she had to for their safety.

"–– but with the stress of the campaign, and everything that's been going on, um, it's happening again. no, uh.. it's not just happening. i'm doing it, and it fucking scares me, because the last time, i... um, i think i may have been the one to let biscuit out of the house."

she almost tells her what happened the last time. but she doesn't. because she can't. because she can let simone in far enough to try to keep her safe, but she can't let her in all the way.

everything is just easy with shauna. there is something about sleeping with shauna in the attic that brings them an intimacy neither of them planned on, and it continues through adulthood. even if they hadn't seen each other in years, they fall right back into place, like they've spent every night together for the last 20 years.

first it was learning about her pregnancy that brought them closer, already knowing shauna in a way no one else does, and then their relationship really changed when she tried to help shauna with her abortion. you don't go through that with someone without it changing you and your relationship forever, and it's sharing that horrific moment in time together that really urges taissa to finally open up with her fully too.

when she goes to sleep the night after they return from the wolf attack, she doesn't sleep next to van, she doesn't sleep in the same room with her to watch over her -- she goes back to the attic with shauna. because that's her place, and after everything she just went through, she needs to feel safe. shauna is her safe place. and by now, she's realized that she is not van's safe place. she doesn't tell the rest of the girls what happened, she pretends she doesn't know what happened. she lets the stress of the wolves distract everyone from the fact that she was asleep in a tree, not on watch. but she instantly tells shauna everything, because she needs to talk about it. and tai is not someone who usually willingly opens up about the things that scare her, but it just comes out with shauna.

because shauna is her person.

[kinetic-elaboration]

October 18: Yellowjackets S2 Eps 1-6

I took the morning off sick from work, so life is going really well right now. I did manage to make it in, and then go shopping afterward. I've felt mostly okay since coming home--tired, but not sad. I watched another episode of Yellowjackets (took me like 2 hours with pausing and so on) and soaked my feet, which does seem to be helping with how badly they've hurt the last couple days. It doesn't usually feel as good as I think it will while I'm doing it, but it feels better after.

Anyway, I don't know what to write about and I also really want to shower and get to bed, so here are some few thoughts on YJ S2 so far. I've just finished Ep 6, Qui.

I guess I get why some people really don't like this season and consider it a sharp drop off from S1. I don't, but I haven't been totally inhaling it like I did S1. It's slower, I think. That makes sense for the 96-era scenes: it's winter, there's not as much to do, they're losing their minds a little. I've read some criticism of those scenes too and various arguments as to how they could be done better but I honestly don't take any issue to anything (other than having to get used to the idea that newly introduced minor characters have been here this whole time). They do a lot to provide plot even though what's really happening is they're sitting around devolving: Tai and Van's relationship, Misty and Crystal, the mouse, Ben's alternate life (which I actually find rather chilling), the Javi stuff, and of course, the growing cult situation. The mood of the scenes matches the mood of the characters matches my mood while watching.

The '21 story line... I don't know. Mixed feelings. It's a little frustrating that every YJ is doing something totally different. A part of me gets it, like, they are all being ushered toward the compound and I still have 3 episodes' worth of plot for them there... and I also get that there was a fair bit of separation between stories in S1 as well. But it feels like the separation is more severe now; they're even in different genres in a way. I was also worried at the end of S1 that killing Adam would sort of spiral the show into something else--it's hard to not make a big deal out of a literal murder--and that's sort of happening. But only for Shauna. I actually do like how the story is allowing for Callie and Shauna's relationship to develop, but it still feels... like they opened a can of worms with this and now they're either stuck with it for a while or they have to stuff the worms back in as fast as possible, which will be unrealistic and unsatisfying. And what of uh Shauna literally killing a man? I know it might be nothing compared to the '96 crimes, but it still doesn't really gel with me, that she would be really that unbothered. That seems to make a claim about her character that I don't think is otherwise supportable. I don't know. Just thinking as I type here.

I don't hate the wilderness compound stuff at all, though I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet (or Lottie... a tough nut to crack for me honestly; she's like almost a couple different archetypes but not quite), and I like Taissa and Van meeting up again. I love Van. I love Lauren Ambrose. I want to watch Lauren Ambrose in everything. Van grew into one of my favorites over the course of S1 and I'm liking where she's going in S2. Tai's story in the pre-Van eps surprised me a little: she is spiraling way harder and way faster than I thought; it was very creepy and well-done, though.

This ep (6) was really hard to watch, as I'd been anticipating, and I definitely did cry at the end. Well done but sad. It's like you can't even be angry at something that upsets you that much when your emotion is tempered by respect for the craft. That's how I feel anyway.

[taivansupremacy]

Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep.

Summary: Van Palmer longs for love in more ways than one. (A look into Van's relationship with love pre-Taivan and pre-crash)

A/N: I decided to say fuck it and post this kinda as a warm up since I haven't written anything in a while and I'm more than likely very rusty. Not sure I'm gonna stick with this title. I can't decide if i like her. also!! I'm working on a Taivan 5 +1 things fic so that should be out soon. As usual, feedback is always appreciated!

Ever since she was a kid, Van was always on the outside of love. It started with her mother who loved alcohol and men she barely knew more than her own daughter. Van longed for the kind of motherly love the kids at school got. They had moms who wrote notes reminding them that they were loved and showed up to class parties and school performances. Why couldn’t she have that? She thought that it had something to do with her, that maybe she was the problem and even though she knows better now, some small part of her still thinks that’s true. 

She watches her teammates and all of her other classmates get asked to dances and hold hands in the hallway. Jackie and Shauna often shared details of dates they’d been on and the team often talked openly about their latest hookups and crushes. Van’s mouth stayed shut during those conversations. It wasn’t like she could contribute anyway. The pool of lesbians in Wiskayok was small, and on the off chance that someone had caught her eye, she couldn’t out herself by sharing her feelings with her teammates. So she stayed out of conversations about romance and crushes. She didn’t ask about dates or who liked who. She looked down into her soccer bag and pretended to fold the jersey and practice clothes that she kept inside when the topic was brought up by someone else, but she listened. How could she not? When they talk about their romantic excursions, there’s a lot of squealing and giggling. 

Van always longed for the kinds of connections and experiences her friends had. She knew that realistically she’d never get them, due to her lack of interest in men, but she was used to being let down in the love department, so she tried not to let it bother her too much. She pushed those feelings down when they threatened to bubble to the surface and she had her disappointment mostly under control. Then Taissa transferred to Wiskayok High and Van’s “control” was toast.

Van first saw Taissa in her English class in sophomore year. It was a random Wednesday in October and Taissa sat right up front in the middle row. Van noticed her immediately and admired her boldness. She took a seat in her usual seat, one row away from the very back and as class started, she noticed that Taissa’s boldness didn’t stop with her seat choices. Her hand shot up every chance it got and her analysis of the short story they were studying was so in depth and fleshed out, Van couldn’t help but wonder if she had read it before. She didn’t introduce herself to Taissa in clas, but they spoke during soccer practice that afternoon, and from there they only got closer. 

Van could only describe her friendship with Tai as strange. Everyone knew they were best friends, as they were attached at the hip every moment they could be and to everyone on the outside, they were typical best friends. What they didn’t know was that they shared their fair share of cuddles, mainly in Taissa’s room as they watched T.V., and hand holding under the lunch table where no one could see, or tucked away on the bus going to soccer games. Taissa’s head often rested on Van’s shoulder and they always pushed their desks close together in class and wrote notes back and forth in Van’s notebook. 

Van knew that what they had was more intimate than just a friendship. Taissa was the person she felt closest to. She never felt that she had to be anyone but herself around her and just being hanging out with her made her smile a little wider. She thinks that this is what the love that she’s longed to experience is supposed to feel like, but she’s not sure. She doesn’t have much love in her life to compare it to. She can’t tell if this is what love is supposed to feel like or if her crush on her best friend and desire to experience what everyone else has is making her misjudge their friendship. 

Van keeps her mouth shut. She doesn’t ask for clarification or a definition of their relationship, because this is the closest thing that Van’s ever felt to love and normal high school experiences and she’s worried that if she pushes too far and reveals what she is, she may lose it altogether. So she tells herself that the butterflies in her stomach are enough, feeling that love is within reach is enough, even though she can’t quite touch it. 

Van Palmer longs for a love that she’s certain she won’t ever get.

[augustameretrix]

taivan is soo good because it starts off this secret wholesome queer first love, taissa is totally whipped, and then whoops there's a wolf and a funeral pyre but it's fine because it develops into a wholesome married couple who occasionally roams the woods at night because of the sleepwalking. van spells 'i <3 u' with her blood. tai is totally whipped of course- uhm what's that? oh yeah they go to the local pagan praying circle everyday to commune with the wilderness. because tai is totally whipped. "happy wife happy life" and all that. then there's the horrors, but it's necessity... right? taissa needs van. she's totally whipped after all. it's 25 years later. they haven't talked for god knows how long. yet taissa can only afford to trust herself with van even if it means being a burden. that doesn't mean she doesn't truly want her with all of herself. no time to unpack that, van is going to die for real this time. what's left to do if not play along with the pagan ritual once again if it means there's a chance of van making it. it turns sour. it costs them nat and the false sense of security they'd managed to regain in all those years. is it worth it? for van it was self preservation. for taissa...? well, she's totally whipped.

[perfectionreached]

silencedrage asked: a kiss to wake your lover up in the morning . - van

it wasn't like they were getting much sleep in the cabin anyways, yet taissa is surprised when she wakes up and van is still sleeping. the snow burns a white light through the attic window, so she knows that soon she'll start hearing everyone talking downstairs.

looking over at van, she basks in how lucky she actually is to be stuck somewhere this terrible with someone she loves dearly. taissa wants to let her keep sleeping - she still has to make up for the months where she would sleepwalk and wake her up multiple times a night. even knowing that van doesn't hold that against her, she can't help but feel the guilt suffocate her sometimes. she almost does let her sleep, there's a few minutes where she just lays there - side by side with her.

then taissa decides to start off small, a soft kiss on her forehead, then on her nose, and then on her lips. "good morning," she whispers, gently touching her cheek. "if we don't get up soon we're going to berated by the chore police." she totally means mari. but if she had a choice, she would stay up here in this attic with van forever.

[ladyintree]

they're both talking vaguely now, and taissa hates that. she started it that way, because there was no other way for her to voice her concerns that had been getting louder and louder as she and mikayla got closer --- but hearing her do the same hits a nerve. ❝  what? i don't care about that. ❞ she doesn't know what 'that' is, but she knows mikayla is different than anyone else she's ever met. that's why she's always been more comfortable with her than anyone else, she just doesn't know what that really means and if there's a reason. when mikayla says she's not normal, she assumes it's as simple as that -- because it's all she can assume, that she's just different than other people. ❝  i like who you are. i don't fucking--- want normal. ❞ she doesn't even know what 'normal' is anymore, but she knows when it's impossible to connect with people because of it. mikayla is not one of those people, and she never has been. ❝  i'm not going to be scared of you either, no matter how different you think you are. ❞

her instinct tells her to drop mikayla's hands immediately, but her heart is louder, grabbing them tightly instead as she hears the nickname -- how intimate it feels given their situation, given this, given her. everything that's happening now is only more proof that taissa should call it quits for everyone's safety, and yet feeling mikayla so passionate about helping catches her off guard, and she wants to stay in this moment with her. she frowns, shaking her head, because that shouldn't be the standard -- and she didn't want to hurt van, either, but she still did ( over and over, she knows. ) she remains uncharacteristically silent, because she still wants to argue, but she needs to listen to her. her eyes close when she feels her lips to her knuckles, and it soothes her enough to keep her body standing straight, even if everything mikayla says feels like she's giving tai way too much. she wants it, of course, but why is it so easy for mikayla to accept it? that scares tai even more. her real problem is not that mikayla is too close, it's that she refuses to actually deal with her own problems, the things she's kept buried for so long now --- and she knows she never will, so she only fears now that she may not really be able to hold it all together as much as she's convinced herself she can. that's easier when she's on her own, not when someone else is relying on her. that's the scary part.

her eyes shoot open when mikayla tells her she wants all of her --- a confession that tai was always scared of and hoped for all the same. it doesn't scare her like it should now, though. it makes her heart beat faster, and her hand squeezes hers again. she's heard something like this before, even after she'd hurt someone, and before she did it again, which is exactly why she shouldn't give into it, but something tells her that mikayla, despite not knowing everything, really does mean all of this ( she knows her well enough to assume that she wouldn't fight this hard if she didn't. ) ❝  i do need to worry about you, ❞ she says quietly after a moment, quickly going on before she can argue. ❝  because when i feel this for someone, it's scary. for everyone, and i-- i feel it for you. i want all of you, and i, fuck, i don't know what to do with that. i'm just so fucking scared, ❞ she admits, and that's not something she's ever been willing to admit, even out there, but now that she's back here, it feels even harder to avoid the things she was afraid of then. her free hand moves up, hovering over her neck for a moment before she rests it gently there, her thumb brushing over mikayla's jaw as she stares back at her. part of her knows that she is already in love with her, because she wouldn't be breaking down like this if she wasn't, but she can't say that, so she simply looks at her instead. ❝  if something happens, if anything . . . you have to keep yourself safe. i don't care what that means for me, you have to be okay. ❞ because she's not leaving her, even if she thinks she should. ❝  promise me. ❞

for someone who's concerned themselves with nothing more than self-preservation for their entire life, maybe mikayla should be more worried about whatever it is that's bothering tai—she's spent her entire life getting hurt, so she shouldn't stay when someone is more or less alluding to hurting her, too, but she wants to believe tai's just being paranoid. mikayla's not used to this, caring so much about someone else that her feelings blind her to what might really be best for herself. usually, saving herself matters more than anything else, but it's hard to care about that when being around tai has made her feel more whole than she's ever been, despite all the stress it puts on her. she hadn't realized before how god damn empty she was, putting all her energy into training for survival and pushing people away, telling herself none of them mattered, because none of them could help her—now that she's found someone who matters, she realizes just how much she was missing out on, even if she's hesitant to allow them more.

if mikayla could focus on anything more than just keeping tai here, maybe she'd realize how stupid both of them sound—insisting that the other should be scared of them without being willing to delve into why. “no, you would be. i'm not—normal.” not human, or at least not entirely. what she is isn't the scary part, because technically, her kind are supposed to be heroes. she's not, too selfish to do anything for anyone other than herself, but she's supposed to be one. it's just letting someone know about the other half of her world that's the terrifying part, because most people can't accept it—her sister's father had been driven insane by the knowledge, cured only when his memories were wiped completely, when he forgot everything he'd learned about gods and monsters. if they're lucky enough to last, maybe then mikayla would be more willing to tell tai the truth about all of it, when she's sure it won't run her off, drive her crazy, anything like that—but they still have a long way to go before that happens, if it happens.

the mention of tai's ex would normally irritate mikayla, but she's too relieved to be getting some kind of explanation to process that. she lets some of her anger go, her expression softening slightly. maybe it would help to tai the truth about herself, because maybe she'd be less scared if she knew everything else mikayla has to deal with—there's a brief moment in which she considers revealing something, even if its not the whole truth. she could break something, prove how opposite of fragile she is, but mikayla knows she can't do that without explaining herself further, so instead, she moves closer to tai, hesitating before reaching for her hands. “baby, stop—” she breathes out, hardly registering what words are coming out of her mouth, which is probably good, because the vulnerability would usually be enough to make her leave. “you don't want to hurt me. that's all that matters to me.” after living so long with a man who seemed to want nothing but that, who went out of his way to put his hands on her, to break her both physically and mentally, after surrounding herself with people who couldn't care less about anything other than her body, finding someone who doesn't want to hurt her felt impossible. “i know how to take care of myself. that's, like—the only thing i'm really good at. i'm sorry that happened, but you don't need to worry about me.” she's used to getting almost killed, though she doesn't know how to say that without tai automatically assuming she's just talking about her father—which is some of it, but not all. mikayla brings one of tai's hands up to her lips, pressing a kiss against her knuckles in an attempt to show she's not afraid, not even after what she told her. “you're not going to hurt me. and honestly, even if you do—i don't care. you'd be the only pain that's ever been worth it.” there's more she could say to emphasize just how little she cares about what tai could do to her, but the words i'm falling in love with you get stuck in her throat, so she tries for something else, something a little less unnerving. “i want all of you, okay? even the fucked up parts.”

[novelconcepts]

wait i have one more lol what about jackie/tai. i find their dynamic to be so interesting!

I do NOT ship Tai and Jackie, but again, I dig their dynamic--this time from a rivalry standpoint. It's especially interesting to think about how they don't talk about anything, but they're constantly circling one another. Taissa wants to freeze Allie out; better not tell Jackie. Jackie just left Van in the plane; Taissa has not been informed directly of this. Jackie's losing her grasp on her friendship with Shauna; Tai's stepping in, because Tai knows a secret that would devastate Jackie, but Jackie doesn't know this, so it just looks like she's being replaced. Taissa wants to be in charge, but Jackie's the one with the captainship, even though their coach is so aware that Tai's the better player (and do I think this leads eventually to Tai running for office? you bet I do!). It's two people who just...don't really want the other to exist? Not out of malice, but because the other person is something of an obstacle at every turn. Tai's gonna turn a vote against Jackie to look for the lake. Jackie's gonna get everyone to do a seance even though Tai thinks it's stupid. And yet, in the end, Tai's the one who tries--and fails--to stop Jackie from walking to her death. It's fundamentally crazy, and I would have loved to see them interacting as adults.